The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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