Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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