matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
