I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
