The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
