I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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