Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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