We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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