when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
