Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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