Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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