Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
