Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
