So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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