Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize