you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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