How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
