we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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