there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
