If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I would ride that face into the sunset
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
