I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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