dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize