i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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