so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
