OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
