I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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