i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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