I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
