just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Did you just see the Batmobile???
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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