Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
