I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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