I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
