these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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