batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
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