girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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