I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
