wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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