Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
