i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
