I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We got so high we made milksteak
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
