Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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