My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Drunk is not a location!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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