I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Randomize
