Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
