i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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