I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
