yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
