So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize