Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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