Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
