new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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