So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
