I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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