I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I currently don't understand fingers.
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